Taipei

***I’ve recently decided to visit Taiwan again in fall 2008 since my grandmother is in her 90s and I haven’t seen her in probably a decade. I was last there at the tender age of 19, when my parents shipped me off for the summer. Just the idea of it sounds romantic and exciting, and I even waxed nostalgic about it for a few weeks—until I dug up my old ’zine journal and re-read it.

Good god. I had forgotten how hellish those 51 days had been.

Although I’ve long since forgiven my parents for that traumatic experience, I can’t help but feel some apprehension about the visit. Sure, everyone’s older now and hopefully more mellow with age, but who knows if the hate and misery that filled me then will resurface?

Here are some angry, itch- and pinball-filled excerpts from an impertinent teenager. No names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Oh, and by the way, you may need to refer to the box from time to time.

ENGLISH/TAIWANESE GUIDE
TO LILY’S RELATIVES

These are the only relatives (of zillions) I meet on this trip

Mom’s Side
• Grandma, Grandpa
• Her brothers (my uncles):
Ah-gu #1, ah-kim #1 (his wife), his son/my cousin (Alex/Ah-Ching)
Ah-gu #2, ah-kim #2, 2 daughters (Shee-Ing, Bing-Bing)
Ah-gu #4, ah-kim #4, 2 sons (don’t remember their names)
• Her sisters (my aunts):
Ah-yi #1
Ah-yi #3
Ah-yi #4, ee-dyun (her husband), 3 daughters (Eye-Shing, MoMo, Ting-Ting)
Ah-yi #5, 2 daughters (Shen, Jing)

Dad’s Side
• His brother (my uncle):
Ah-peh, ah-uhm (his wife), 3 sons (one who’s an asshole, another who has a bratty daughter, and one other I rarely saw)

(I met more of his kin two years before this trip. It’s weird that my dad can’t remember the names of his brothers or his sisters-in-law nor how many kids each have.)

Tirade A